A designer/artist stuck inside the body of a daydreamer. She shamelessly tags herself as the girl who eats a lot but never gets fat. She likes bands and shoes. And pizza.
☑ Celebrate my birthday with snail mails from people ;)
☑ Watch "The Vow" with a friend/s on Valentine's Day. And not cry.
☐ Graduate with honors on July 7, 2012.
☐ Work. And love my work.
☐ Have my heart healed.
☑ Either have very long hair or very short hair.
☐ Get to ride a plane.
☐ Treat my parents for their wedding anniversary.
☐ Have teal dip-dyed hair.
☑ See We Are The In Crowd live.
Honestly, I think I’ve moved on. I don’t think of him a lot anymore, and the thought of him being with another girl doesn’t hurt as much as before. But what’s bothering me is that I don’t think I can give myself to anyone soon. Not even 5 years from now. I feel like I won’t ever be ready to love again. I feel like I’ve given my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back. It never got back that I don’t think I would want to love again. Sure, there may be flings. There may be guys whom I’ll get to flirt with. But I think that’s my limit. Flings. I feel like I won’t ever get to be serious with someone again, let alone love truly again.
Or maybe not. Maybe this is just one of the emo nights I normally have.
Not that I want you back any time soon (or maybe I do), but I really do miss you. I wish to at least have a lunch out with you, you know. Ask you about things and probably (finally) get your birthday present for me (cuz you told me you have a gift for me lol). Know how you are, what you’re currently doing with your life. Who you’re crushing on at the moment, and what you feel about her. Probably ask you if you’re ready to fall in love. Again. With someone else, of course. Probably ask you what you feel about me at the moment. And then I’ll probably get hurt deep inside, but show you how happy I am for you. Of course, I’m happy for you. I want nothing but the best for you. I always wanted you to be happy, even if I’m not the reason for it. I miss you, and I wish I could tell you how much I do.
I can’t quite understand why I’m still missing him despite all the days when I felt like he’s really not worth missing at all. Not sure if this is love or just pure stupidity. Yuck emo.
I hate this kind of night where I feel so useless and not awesome enough. So yeah I was doing an artwork when I suddenly felt how mediocre my works are. I feel like I’m not meant for this, and I feel like everything I’m doing is crap. And someone’s not there to tell you that you’re awesome enough and that you’re awesome in your own way. Someone who’d tell you you’re awesome even if you’re really not that awesome. Dagummit this feeling is eating up my patience and motivation and everything. My day was pretty good. Until I felt THIS feeling. Can I be numb for a while?
I have a favor. Can you all pray for me? Can you all pray for my strength for tomorrow? I feel very anxious and nervous right now, I don’t even know if I could sleep well tonight. Just so you know, we’ll be talking tomorrow. Yup, after more than a month, we’re going to talk face-to-face about the whole break up thing. It’s quite eating me whole right now, for I don’t know what to expect, what to think, what to say. I am so not ready to go home with a broken heart, let alone go home crying. I could already feel the loneliness once the talk ends. I can imagine it, and I can’t take it. :( So I seriously need prayers, please? I’m so disturbed by this feeling, I think tears are gonna fall any minute now. *sigh* :(
Can I blog my heart out? Yeah. Okay. So it’s been a month since the breakup. I’ve been coping quite better compared to how I did it in my other relationships. I haven’t cried for the past 2 weeks, I think? Oh, no. I did cry last week, during my birthday. Anyway, I think I’m starting to get used to this new life. I’ve started to get used to not receiving any sweet messages, I’ve started to get used to being alone most of the time in school, I’ve started to get used to leaving school without anyone accompanying me in going home. But, you know, it’s hard. I mean, I’ve also started to accept that it’s really ended already.
But there’s one thing that I really can’t accept for now. Or two things. One is that I cannot accept that everything just disappeared. No formal talks, no confrontations. I was forced to accept the breakup, to accept that the 3 long years have come to an end. I can’t believe how it happened, it felt unreal. It felt so unreal that I didn’t have any idea how to actually start moving on. Honestly, until now, I don’t know what to do. I can’t start to fully move on and accept everything because I didn’t get any decent apology. Nor was he making me feel that he was sorry for what he did. He treated me now like any other friend, he treated me like nothing happened at all. He’d laugh at the serious stuff I’m telling him. It’s annoying and painful at the same time. He’s dumb, insensitive, and immature. I can’t take it.
And yeah I think the second thing that’s hard for me to accept right now is hidden within the previous paragraph, I just can’t point it out specifically. Aaaah. Seriously, I just want a decent apology. I want to feel that he was actually sorry. ‘Cause I can’t feel it now. Made me wonder if all those years were a big joke. Really. I mean, I don’t think any guy would actually throw 3 wonderful years just like that. But he just did. What an asshole.
It’s 1am here so I bet not a lot of people who understand my language would actually get to read this now. Here I am again, pouring out my emotions via “blogging”. I’m sad. And my sadness level is that of depression, I think. While the whole January 1st was pretty much good because of food, I can’t help but admit that the whole day made me weary too. I was thinking of him the whole day. I sent him a New Year message, thanking him for everything that happened the past year. His no-reply scheme triggered me into this situation and it’s getting worse as the time passes. I’ve tried watching 2 episodes of Skins already but it doesn’t seem to help. This is bothering me so much again. So much thoughts. You know, I can’t seem to understand how this is all happening. I mean, it’s been 2 weeks only but he looks like he’s forgotten everything about me/us already. I can feel his apathy towards me, how he doesn’t seem to care anymore. I don’t understand how and why that happened when a few days before we broke up, we still seemed so in love. And now everything just disappeared. Just like that. How fast. I can’t believe how all those years seemed like trash for him now. Like he’s a whole new person living a whole new life. I feel so sorry for myself cuz I can’t seem to move on, and I can’t seem to accept what happened. It’s bothering me so much. I wasn’t expecting this and now I don’t know what to do with my life. I mean, I do know that I need to move on cuz that’s how life is, but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what to forget and what to remember. It’s so hard getting him out of my system cuz he was in here for 3 solid years. If you loved somebody so much, it should really be hard to do that, doesn’t it? But it seemed different for him. I’m so hurt at how easily he can erase me from his life, how easily he could dump me and live like nothing happened. And what hurts more is that I didn’t even get a decent apology. What can a text message do? What can a Facebook personal message do? It hurts me so much cuz aside from the fact that I can feel how easy this is for him, I feel like I wasn’t given justice for everything he’s done to me. I can’t be mad at him, I love him too much. But all these things are hurting me. And I don’t know where to start. :(
P.S. I ended up talking in straight English so that kinda contradicted my first sentence. Sorry.
Home. Yep, I just got home from our term-end booze session with my batchmates who’re about to graduate on February. ‘Twas a fun day actually. I got really good grades which led me to being a Dean’s Lister again after two terms of not being in it. Also, I got to bond with my friends who’re going to leave the school very soon as they’re already graduating. These friends who’re also the reason why I forgot my problem…for a while. These friends who made me realize how important friendship is.
But one thing happened that broke the cycle of happiness that I was originally in. I won’t say what happened, but with what I’m going to pour out on this post, I bet you’ll already know what really happened. Warning: this post is going to be emotional and long.
Okay, so the first thing that entered my mind when that happened is “Bakit ba lagi na lang akong iniiwan ng partners ko?” Yeah, cuz out of all the relationships I’ve been in, isa lang sa mga lalaking yun ang hindi ako iniwan; instead, ako yung nangiwan. Pero really, out of all (hint: it’s more than 3) relationships I’ve been in, I really wonder bakit lagi na lang akong iniiwan ng mga nagiging partners ko. I won’t ask if pangit ba ako cuz (no intention of being cocky) I know na I have the face naman kahit papaano. Also, I can’t say that I’m a bad partner cuz one person (who’s very dear to me, I should say) told me before that I am one of the sweetest girls she knows. That really left me wondering what the hell was wrong with me and boys keep on leaving me. But then, I thought, boys probably didn’t want girls who love too much. Girls who love too much. Girls who are ready to give everything and sacrifice everything because they love the guy too much.
I know. I loved too much. I’ve always done that ever since I knew how to love. I was ready to sacrifice things, I was ready to understand things even if it meant hurt for my part. I forgive too much even if too much hurt was given to me. But because I loved the person too much, I can’t help but forgive. I was too forgiving, to the point that I was taken for granted. I was too kind, that so much hurt came to me when everything just needed to end.
I suddenly asked myself, whatever happened to the I miss you’s and I love you’s I received a few days ago? Whatever happened to the promises? Whatever happened to the “I won’t leave you anymore”s? Whatever happened to “You are my real happiness”? Whatever happened to the forever’s? Whatever happened to the “We won’t give up”s?
And then something suddenly struck me again: how it hurts more because it needed all this to end with a simple text message. Man, how that hurts so much, only I know. Only I know, that neither words are enough to describe how hurt I am. I know it’s going to be really, really, really, REALLY hard. 3 years isn’t a joke. But with the help of the people around me who are ready to show me love and care, not to mention making me feel how special I am in this beautiful world, I know I can manage.
Also, with a world full of people to get inspiration from, I know I really can manage. My friends who were physically there for me to comfort me - I can’t imagine how I’ll live with this day without them. If I was alone, I’d probably committed suicide already. LOLJK. But seriously, their presence was really a big help for me to temporarily forget what I was going through. My friends who weren’t physically there but were a text away - I was so touched by their concern that even though they weren’t beside me to hug and comfort me, their love was very much felt.
Also Ate Crae, who was the first person I thought of when I thought of moving on. I’ve always admired how she coped up with the breakup with her ex, how she clung so tightly to God, and how she positively accepted the situation and lifted up everything to Him. And then I realized that it’s finally my time to do the same thing.
It’s ironic how Christmas is coming in less than 5 days and I’m here, joining the group of SMP. But just like how I tweeted about day or two ago, this season is Christmas, not Balentayms. I should be celebrating Christmas because of the Lord, not because of having a special someone to celebrate it with. And oh, my birthday’s coming in 21 days too. Hehe. How ironic, really. Bahala na lang kung anong mangyayari 2 months from now, hehe.
For now, I’m going to cry myself out until all the hurt is gone (which will probably last for more than a year loljk) but slowly accepting everything and just lifting it all to Him. He knows best more than anyone else. Merry Christmas to me, I guess? I’ll just think of how I got into the dean’s list again after two terms. That’s a blessing.
Goodnight.
